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My son, who is our eldest of three kids, just started 7th grade. He used to talk all about what he did in school, but that's gone. It worries me that he wont talk about his school day when I ask. What can I do about that? I want to respect his growing independence, but also want to know what's going on and if he is happy and succeeding.
Excellent question – once talkative young teens no longer wanting to share about their school day is a typical concern heard from parents. While establishing some independence and pulling away from parents is common, it can still be unsettling. Pointing out this change typically is not well received by the young person. Other strategies to use to remain engaged with your child rely on using open-ended questions and setting up some new routines at meal and other family time. Let’s first consider open ended questions—avoid asking questions that have an easy yes, no or good answer such as “How was your day?” or “Did you have a good day today.” Instead use questions such as "What was the best part of your day today,” “Did anything funny happen today,” “What was the most interesting thing a teacher said today,” “Who was kind to you today?” “If you could switch places with another student, who would it be and why?” Be sure not to ask the same questions each day, switching it up with new topics.
Another strategy for families is to use mealtime for discussions – do not allow phones or tv during meals. Make a point of having sentence starters that your family can respond to and/or consider having each person (adults and children) share the best thing today and something that made them smile or something like a high point, low point and hero of the day.
Below are some examples of discussion topics from the link
Middle school
- If you were a superhero, what would your name be and what powers would you have?
- Would you rather travel back in time or travel into the future?
- If you could meet anyone from history, who would you want to meet?
- If you grew up to be famous, what would you like to be famous for?
- If you had to go live on a space station for a month, what three things would you take with you?
- What is the funniest joke you’ve ever heard?
- Is there anything you really want to talk about that we haven’t discussed?
- When do you feel most proud of who you are?
- If you could invent something, what would it be? What would your invention do?
- If you had a thousand dollars to help someone, what would you do?
High School
- What is the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?
- If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
- If you joined the circus, what circus act would you be?
- What is your dream vacation?
- If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?
- If you were a photographer for a day, who or what would your subject be?
- What is your favorite family tradition?
- If you had to live in another country for a year, which country would it be and why?
- If you could have lunch with anyone – living or deceased – who would it be and why?
Most likely your 7th grader is experiencing typical developmental changes that are not concerning. If you do notice big changes in grades/friends/appearance/activities/mood then it may help to get guidance from a pediatrician, school counselor, or therapist.
