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Our 5 year old daughter has always been really stubborn. Won't take pills when sick (learned to cough them up on demand), can make a huge fuss about getting dressed for example. It can drive us crazy when she won't put on a coat or melts down when considering putting on socks. Sometimes this power struggle becomes hard to deal with. Negotiation does not seem to work Are there strategies we should consider?
It is very common for parents to find themselves in a position of “negotiating” with their children or engaging in power struggles. As children grow, they are frequently expanding their horizons and pushing/testing limits, sometimes in ways that go against the requests and wishes of their parents. This is to be expected. That being said, it does not mean that parents simply need to acquiesce to their child’s demands or behaviors to keep their child calm. A few key tenets:
- When safety is at issue, parents may need to dictate specific actions, regardless of the child’s desires. For example, if a young child is wanting to walk unsupervised across a busy road, the parent will appropriate insist that the child hold the parent’s hand and walk across together.
- When safety is not at issue, parents have more wiggle room. It may work best for the parent and child to have choices and a collaborative approach to situations. We sometimes call this “collaborative problem solving,” based on the Collaborative Problem Solving approach developed at Massachusetts General Hospital. The CPS approach rests on the basic principle that “kids do well if they can.” Dr. Ross Greene did an inspiring Ted Talk on the topic here. There are several CPS resources that can help guide parents in approaching challenging behaviors with a collaborative approach on the ThinkKids site.
