Answers to Your Questions

I have experience with a family who asks their teen to help out with various chores, some as simple as walking the dog, and the teen will often say 'no, you do it.' In fact, they think it is unfair to even ask. If the teen 'doesn't want to do it, they should not have to do it.' What is the appropriate response with the goal of trying to help the teen understand that they are expected to do these chores and more important develop a respect for their parent. For context, the parents are divorced, and the father supports AND instigates conflict between the teens and the mother. One of many ways this is done is the father supports the teens saying that the mother 'cannot make them do anything' they do not want to do (I believe he has instructed them to say this) as well as the teens threating to call the father and leave if any discipline is threatened.

Divorce is a significant stressor for children of all ages, and the degree to which children and adolescents are able to cope effectively and remain resilient during their family’s transition depends largely on the behavior of both parents. Post-divorce parental conflict and the active undermining of a former spouse to the child can have a devastating effect on child and adolescent emotional well-being and on their ability to master the demands of their developmental stage (e.g., to stay focused at school or navigate peer relationships). Although the parents no longer want to be with each other, children remain attached to, and personally identify with, both individuals. It is in everyone’s best interest for the children to have loving, positive relationships with each parent. Demands for loyalty from a child or active undermining the former spouse can ultimately lead to serious acting-out behavior and to the child’s emotional disengagement from both parents.

Ideally, divorced parents would maintain strong personal boundaries and not share their feelings about the other parent with their children. They would encourage child cooperation and respectful behavior in both households, and not use children as vehicles to relay information about the former spouse. Divorced parents are coparents forever and should pull in the same direction, as much as possible, for the benefit of the children.

When strong post-divorce coparent cooperation is not possible and negativity or undermining is occurring, a parent can minimize the detrimental impact to children and teenagers with the following:

• Set clear expectations for behavior in your household and communicate these to your children. Expectations should be set for child or teen conduct – for example, going to school on time every day and completing homework – and for a handful of ongoing household chores and responsibilities.
• For assistance from teens with household tasks, rather than make requests in the moment, identify a core set of tasks that you would like the youth’s help with on a regular basis. Create a “menu” of possible daily and weekly tasks and talk with the teen about which they would prefer to take ownership of going forward. Provide a rationale: “There are many things that need to happen to keep a household running smoothly, and everyone living here needs to pitch in. Here are some tasks that would be helpful to me and to everyone living here. I’d like for you to pick three from this list, and to work out with you how and when you will complete them each week.”
• If the teen refuses to select tasks, stay calm. Tell the teen that although they can have a choice in WHAT they do, doing nothing to help the household is no longer an option. If needed, assign the tasks without their input. You might say to the teen: “I’m sorry that you’re not willing to negotiate which tasks you take on and when you will do them. That leaves me no choice but to assign you to do X, Y, and Z. I expect X to be done by the time I get home from work each weekday, and Y and Z to be done by 8pm on Saturday evenings.”
• Make some teen privileges contingent upon task completion. In many families, teenagers get lots of perks for “free” – for example, spending money, time with friends, or access to videogames. Linking these previously “free” family benefits to chore completion motivates teen compliance and also teaches responsibility – like getting paid for work, linking benefits to expectations met helps prepare youth for living independently in young adulthood.
• Be consistent in enforcing your new system. In order for the system to work, the teen should not have access to the reward through some other means; for example, if another adult routinely gives the youth spending money, an allowance will not be an effective motivator.
• Expect the teen to object and “test” the system. Stay calm, don’t give in, and minimize engagement when the teen protests. For example, you might say “I’m sorry that you’re upset, but I already explained to you what I expected and what would happen if you didn’t comply. Its too late for this week, but if you choose to do them next week, you’ll receive those privileges then. If you would like to negotiate what tasks you take on for our household and when they are completed let me know – we can do that at some other time when we’re both less upset.” Then, disengage; leave the room if that helps. You might also emphasize - without pleading, trying to persuade, or shaming the youth – that you would like nothing better than to provide the youth with privileges, but that you are no longer willing to provide these things without responsible behavior (i.e., restating your rationale).
• Never undermine your own system by giving in – by providing the reward when the task has NOT been completed. Remember that you are correct in setting these limits on your teen.
• Don’t hold grudges or change your terms. Each time your system resets – each new day or week - is an opportunity for better behavior. A daily chore not done today results in no reward today (or tomorrow), but the teen making a better decision tomorrow means a reward tomorrow.
• Don’t “take the bait” if a teen says particularly hurtful things. These are said in the heat of anger and frustration and are also attempts to change your reward system. Generally, unless someone is getting hurt or property is being destroyed, it is best for parents to focus their efforts on enforcing the rule/reward system consistently and to ignore the youth’s REACTIONS. Not allowing teen statements and emotional actions to “work” will reduce how frequently the teen makes them. Also, punishing youth reactions can set up a cycle of escalating and never-ending punishments and family tension.
• In the case of a divorced spouse attempting to undermine your system, prepare a set statement that you can say to your teen when they invoke the other parent. If, for example, the teen says, “Dad said I don’t have to listen to you,” a mother might respond: “That’s true, I can’t MAKE you do anything. Whether you follow this household’s rules or not is up to you. If you choose not to, however, there will be consequences.”
• Remember that getting your teen to “respect” you is not the goal. The goals are to a) minimize your teen’s involvement in the post-divorce conflict by providing calm, consistent, and loving-but-firm responses; b) not participate in an ex-spouse’s attempts to undermine your household rules; and c) prepare your teenager for independent living and a lifetime of responsible behavior. Whether they show it or not, eventually you WILL have your child’s respect by not contributing to the loyalty conflict that the other parent is stoking.
• Make sure that you as a parent are taking good care of yourself and getting good social support, so that you can be your best during this difficult time for your family. A family therapist can be helpful in firming up your skills for parenting a teenager and in supporting you and your children with other post-divorce challenges. To find a marital and family-trained therapist in Maryland, go to https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists .
• Parents can learn more about effective management of teenagers with this self-help parenting book, which is grounded in evidence-based therapy techniques: https://www.umaryland.edu/lifelong-learning/parenting/resources/parenting-your-delinquent-defiant-or-out-of-control-teen.php
• Parents may also benefit from an online self-paced parenting course called Parent CRAFT, made available to parents in Maryland for FREE by the Maryland Behavioral Health Association. Although the course is mostly focused on teen and young adult substance abuse, it also offers many general tips for parents of young people. Parent CRAFT can be accessed here: bit.ly/craftmd .