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Is it normal for my 2.5yr old to yell when disappointed and not listen to us? How can we stop them from yelling and ignoring us? Also, is there such thing as a parenting coach because we feel we could really use one.
The short answer is that some yelling is normal in a 2.5 year old. However, if it is extreme and frequent it might not be normal. Children at this age often display temper tantrums. The best approach to temper tantrums is to try to avoid them. Specifically, if you can figure out triggers, you might be able to avoid. For example, many young children have difficulty transitioning from one event to another (playing inside to getting in the car to run an errand). To avoid transition related tantrums, you might want to warn your child 5 minutes ahead of time that it will be time to go in about 5 minutes. Another frequent source of tantrums is around decisions like what to wear or food to eat. To avoid tantrums in this setting, it is helpful to give the child the opportunity to provide some input. Specifically, give your child 2-3 choices for what to wear or what to eat. When they get to participate in decision making, it can sometimes avoid tantrums. Here is some great info from a parent resource written by Barton D. Schmitt, MD, author of "My Child Is Sick," American Academy of Pediatrics Books:
What is a temper tantrum?
A temper tantrum is an immature way of expressing anger. No matter how calm and gentle a parent you are, your child will probably throw some tantrums. Try to teach your child that temper tantrums don't work and that you don't change your mind because of them. By 3 years of age, you can begin to teach your child to verbalize his feelings, for example "You feel angry because..." We need to teach children that anger is normal but that it must be channeled appropriately. By school age, temper tantrums should be rare. By adolescence, your teenager can be reminded that blowing up creates a bad impression and that counting to 10 can help him regain control.
What should I do when my child has a tantrum?
Overall, praise your child when he controls his temper, verbally expresses his anger, and is cooperative. Be a good model by staying calm and not screaming or having adult tantrums. Avoid spanking because it suggests to your child that you are out of control. Try using the following responses to the different types of temper tantrums.
- Children often have temper tantrums when they are frustrated with themselves. They may be frustrated because they can't put something together. Young children may be frustrated because their parents don't understand their speech. Older children may be frustrated with their inability to do their homework. At these times your child needs encouragement and a parent who listens. Put an arm around him and say something that shows understanding such as "I know it's hard, but you'll get better at it. Is there something I can do to help you?" Also give praise for not giving up. Some of these tantrums can be prevented by steering your child away from tasks that he can't do well. Children tend to have more temper tantrums when they are tired (for example, when they've missed a nap) because they are less able to cope with frustrating situations. At these times put your child to bed. Hunger can contribute to temper tantrums. If you suspect this, give your child a snack. Temper tantrums also increase during sickness.
- Young children may throw temper tantrums to get their way. They may want to go with you rather than be left with the baby sitter, want candy, want to empty a desk drawer, or want to go outside in bad weather. Tantrums for attention may include whining, crying, pounding or hitting the floor or door, slamming a door, or breath-holding. As long as your child stays in one place and is not too disruptive, you can leave him alone. If you recognize that a certain event is going to push your child over the edge, try to shift his attention to something else. However, don't give in to your child's demands. During the temper tantrum, if his behavior is harmless, ignore it completely. Once a tantrum has started, it rarely can be stopped. Move away, even to a different room; then your child no longer has an audience. Don't try to reason with your child. Simply state, "I can see you're very angry. I'll leave you alone until you cool off. Let me know if you want to talk." Let your child regain control. After the tantrum, be friendly and try to return things to normal. You can prevent some of these tantrums by saying "No" less often.
- Some temper tantrums are too disruptive or aggressive for parents to ignore. On such occasions send or take your child to his room for 2 to 5 minutes. Examples of disruptive behavior include:
- Clinging to you or following you around during the tantrum.
- Hitting you.
- Screaming or yelling for such a long time that it gets on your nerves.
- Having a temper tantrum in a public place such as a restaurant or church. (Move your child to another place for his time-out. The rights of other people need to be protected.)
- Throwing something or damaging property during a temper tantrum.
- If your child is totally out of control and screaming wildly, consider holding him. His loss of control probably scares him. Also hold your child when he is having tantrums that carry a danger of self-injury (such as if he is violently throwing himself backward). Take your child in your arms, tell him you know he is angry, and offer him your sense of control. Hold him until you feel his body start to relax. This usually takes 1 to 3 minutes. Then let him go. This comforting response is rarely needed after 3 years of age. Some children won't want you to comfort them. Hold your child only if it helps. If your child says "Go away," do so. After the tantrum subsides, your child will often want to be held briefly. This is a good way to get him back into the family activities.
When should I call my child's healthcare provider?
Call during office hours if:
- Your child has hurt himself or others during tantrums.
- The tantrums occur five or more times per day.
- The tantrums also occur in school.
- Your child has several other behavior problems.
- One of the parents has tantrums or screaming bouts and can't give them up.
- This approach does not bring improvement within 2 weeks.
- You have other questions or concerns.
What is screaming?
Screaming is a super-duper temper tantrum unleashed by a child with exceptional vocal cords and lungs. A child is likely to repeat this behavior because it usually works. The child's screaming either gets the parent to surrender unconditionally or it causes the parent to scream back.
How do I cope with screaming?
- Clarify the rule for your child: "We don't scream in this family. Either talk in a calm voice or go to your room."
- If your child continues screaming, take her to her bedroom for a brief time-out. Don't try to ignore this disruptive tantrum. Close the door to your child's room. Every 4 or 5 minutes, open the door and tell your child, "I hope you feel good enough to come out now." Offer your child many chances to rejoin the family, but if she comes out screaming, return her to her room.
- Make sure none of the adults who care for your child yells or screams. A child is a marvelous copycat.
