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We have a 3.75-year-old daughter (only child) who goes to sleep in her own bed/room around 9:30pm but then wakes up to co-sleep with us in our bed/room between 11:30pm and 1am every night (started in April 2021). We've never co-slept with her in the past, so this is rather new to us. Sometimes she mentions that she's scared to be alone in her room at night (but we talk about that and it doesn't seem like she's actually scared), but then ultimately she always just says that she wants to cuddle/sleep with mommy and daddy at night in our bed. Worth noting...there have been a lot of changes in 2021 for her. She fully potty-trained in Feb 2021, we spent 4-5 weeks at my parent's house (Feb/Mar 2021) where she/I shared the same bed/room, she started preschool in April 2021 (after spending a whole year Mar2020-Mar2021 at home with us during the pandemic), and she got a 'big girl' bed in May 2021. We thought the 'big girl' bed would help, as she helped picked it out and decorated her own room, but ultimately she doesn't seem to love her room. She appears to simply just sleep better in our bed and prefer our bed for sleep. We've tried taking her back to her room and putting her back in bed (did this for 1-2 months) in the middle of the night when she wakes, but it became really disruptive for both our sleep and hers (if we just let her in our bed, we all fall back asleep very quickly, otherwise it takes at least 15 minutes for her to fall back asleep in her own bed). We're trying to figure out how to get her to sleep and stay in her own bed all night long. Whenever she does stay in her bed all night long, which is rare these days, we make a really big deal about it (and she does too and then we talk about it a lot and she says she'll do it again, but then it doesn't happen). Do you have any suggestions or thoughts on what may be going on here or what we can do that may help her to stay in her own bed all night long? Thank you!
You are writing about such an important issue in the lives of those caring for young children! From the perspective of those of us working in early childhood mental health, all behavior, including sleep, has meaning and is a way of communicating. For young children, sleep can often bring about issues of anxiety and separation, as the 8-10 hour stretch that we are asking of them is typically the longest that they will be away from us and or another trusted/comforting adult. The pattern that you describe, falling asleep well but not being able to say away from the comfort of mom and dad during the mid-part of the night is fairly typical for the preschool age that your daughter falls within. I often say, asking the parents of a new baby “are they sleeping through the night yet” is typically SUCH a loaded question because it implies that once a baby learns to keep themselves asleep for that 8+ hour stretch, it will be smooth sailing (or should I say sleeping!) from then until they leave for college. We know instead that kids (as well as adults!) will go through patterns of sleep disruptions/concerns/issues for various reasons. As adults we can rationalize tying it to being upset about something or stressed. This connection is much harder for 3,4 and 5 year olds to articulate, but is there. You very astutely point out the many changes that your daughter has endured throughout the past year, and those can all be significant in a little life. So the key is for you to support her to return to her own sleeping environment when she comes into the room with you. This may entail you laying with or sitting with her until she returns to sleep. I know you mentioned this is more disruptive for your own sleep acquisition, and that is true, but it will help terminate the behavior, and if she has been able to fall back asleep within 15 minutes in her own bed that is actually a very good place to start! Even if you are exhausted, you want to carry her back to her room and reassure her that you or her dad are staying with her, she is not alone. Once she is clearly in a deeper sleep you can slip back to the comfort of your own bed. If you are able to stick with this, you should certainly see a reduction in this pattern within 2-3 weeks. And as you mentioned, praise her! At this point praise her for falling back asleep in her own bed, praise her for any little win related to sleep. For more detailed support around this issue, I would recommend Elizabeth Pantley's book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers: Gentle Ways to Stop Bedtime Battles and Improve Your Child's Sleep" https://www.amazon.com/No-Cry-Sleep-Solution-Toddlers-Preschoolers/dp/0071444912
